You’ll never know until you try.

The people I work with are amazing. My manager is also the owner of the restaurant and she and her husband work from before we open until after we close every day of the week. They work so hard because they are doing it for their kids. Because they want their kids to have a better life, they have sacrificed so much. My manager used to be a hair stylist, and she made enough doing that to buy her own house before she turned 30. She had time to go out with friends and and could spend money on herself and having fun.

One of the chefs is a rather pervy Mexican guy, and you’d never guess it, but he’s pretty amazing, too. He works overtime every week and saves all of his money and his tips so that he can send it home to his family in Mexico. He keeps just enough here so he can get by while making sure that his family in Mexico is well taken care of. Most of the money is going to a house that is being built, but his family is also to keep up with the latest technology. Apparently they all have smart phones and such. They only thing I’ve ever seen him buy for himself is a few beers to help him sleep. As for being pervy, it’s good for laughs. And it must be lonely not having seen your wife and family for more than five years.

I wish I had something like them. I wish I had something that motivated me and that I could work for. Purpose.

How does one learn to trust? I don’t know if I’ve forgotten how or if I just never knew. Lately, I’ve realized that I don’t really trust anyone. When I have problems or I’m dealing with things, I don’t know how to ask for help. Instead, I just kill my feelings. And 90+% of the time, that works great. But then there are those days that stretch into weeks where things just pile up. Eventually, there’s too much feeling to just keep ignore. And it eats at me when I’m alone. It would be great if I just knew how to talk to someone. But I don’t. I’ve tried. So many times. Yet, every time, I just feel weak and pathetic. And I watch it blow up in my face. So I do what I’ve always done. Because I don’t know of anything better.

Fearless

Five summers ago, I jumped off a 50 foot bridge. There was a river beneath it, but that doesn’t mean it was a ridiculously scary thing for me to do, especially since I’m somewhat scared of heights. The feeling of free-falling, of rushing through the air with nothing to stop you, the pounding of your heart in your throat, the sight of the water coming at you and then the feeling of its embrace made that one of the more awesome experiences of my life. It was an adrenaline rush for one. A HUGE one at that. But more importantly, it was a day that I triumphed over my fears and did something only two others of the twenty of my friends there would do. Oh and I think I impressed some girls ;)

It’s a little late, but I finally came up with a New Year’s Resolution. This year (and hopefully for the rest of my life) I’m going to be fearless. I don’t mean that I will not feel fear, because if I knew how to do that I would sell that knowledge and be filthy rich and famous. I won’t let my fears get the best of me and I won’t let them hold me back.

Waiting

These last couple days, I’ve had to watch my Lola die. And it sucks. The doctors are unable to do anything for her. She can’t eat or even drink anymore. She’s burning up and gasping for breath, but she’s too weak even to drink from a straw. The most we can do for her is dab a sponge in her mouth to moisten it a bit.

She’s 101 years old. She’s survived a World War and martial law. She went with the love of her life with nothing but the clothes on her back to elope. She had eleven kids and raised them by herself after my Lolo died. Just last month, she was drinking San Miguel Cerveza Negra and eating pancit palabok. Whenever I went over as a child, she would always have something baked up for us to eat. Chocolate cake and mamon tostado were my favorites. And she always had candy, too.

She’s the most incredible woman I know, and all I wish for her now is to be able to go soon and in peace. Her children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren have come from all over the world to see her off. More than 40 Fletchers have been in and out, and many others have come to pay their respects. She is loved, she will be missed, but she will never be forgotten.

Dreams

My dreams are funny things. For starters, I have so many of them. I want good grades. I want to improve upon all kinds of skills. I want to be successful. I want to find happiness. The funny thing though is that I never seem to be able to make those dreams a reality. And it’s not actually funny; it’s rather sad. I mean shoot. I haven’t fulfilled any of those dreams. And dreams are supposed to be fulfilled. To be basked in. And then they will propel you to another, better one.

Today I made a promise to myself to fulfill one of my dreams. It’s one that I’ve had for a few years now, and like my others I’ve made half assed attempts to fulfill it. I want a motorcycle. I want that thrill and that freedom. And that hint of bad ass. I stay up late at night on Craigslist looking for deals, and I find plenty. The thing is, I never have the money for it. However, I now have a job (two actually), and money is coming in. The only problem is that I buy food and gadgets and other wastes of money and I’m really bad at saving.

Today, though, I earmarked some money and moved $300 from my checking account to my savings account, where I won’t be able to spend it. I also promised to put in $75 from every paycheck into that so that by the time spring rolls around, I’ll have the proper amount of money I need to fulfill this dream. And by the time summer rolls around, I’ll be racing through the back roads with a beautiful girl with her arms around my waist

Not gonna lie, not having school isn’t so bad. Wake up at 12, sit on the porch, drink tea, soak up some sun, and eat whatever I want. Then laze around til work at 4 or whenever, which isn’t too hard and lots of fun. Then eat hella free, good sushi. It’s been great having time to clear my head. I don’t need to worry about homework or exams or grades or any of that stuff. I can take my time to make sure that my present is currently on good footing before I really start worrying about the future.

I just have to make sure that I don’t get stuck in that rut of doing this all the time. Of not going back to school. Of being lazy. Of robbing myself of a new chance everyday to make something of myself. Because that’s what every day is. It’s a new opportunity to go do something you’ve never done before.

But, for now, I’m going to enjoy this.

Shades of Grey

Sometimes I wish I could see life with just a little more black and white. With so many choices and so many consequences, it seems like everything you do causes ripples down the road of life. Clearly defined boundaries of right and wrong would be nice every now and then, just so that I could keep things straight. But few things are ever that easy.

They say don’t lie, cheat, or steal. I’ve done all three many times, and not even for good reasons. I’ve lied so others don’t get in trouble, lied so that I don’t get in trouble, and lied to make myself look cooler than I am. I’ve cheated. On tests, in cards, in school. Never with a girl (or boy), but on myself. I’ve cheated myself out of improving upon myself, out of becoming a stronger, better person. I’ve stolen. Small things just because I could. Bigger things just because the opportunity presented itself. I’ve robbed people of what was rightfully theirs. I’ve taken their treasures, things they worked for or needed, and used it for myself or sold it. It would be an understatement to say that I have a different sense of right or wrong than the average person, but I know where these lines are drawn for me. The problem is that everyone else’s lines are drawn differently.

I would never cheat. Rape. Murder. Do drugs. Drink. Take credit for something I didn’t do. Hurt others for pleasure. And so much more. I will fight, though. Even if I will lose. I will fight for those I care about. Their battles will become my battles. I will fight because my friends and those I care about are my greatest treasures.

For a while though, I’ve been messing up. A lot. I used to have confidence in myself. I would do things and I wouldn’t look back. Now, it seems like I can’t do anything. When I’m going to do things, I weigh the scenarios that I create in my head. These scenarios are woefully incomplete, filled with assumptions of what others will do or think and of what will happen when I act. The way I think is leading me into a downward spiral.

I’m the best enabler I know. Not because I can provide the drugs or alcohol or whatever, but because I can rationalize something and make it seem okay to do. I’ve skipped class for the sake of free ice cream. Passed up studying for an exam to hang out with a beautiful girl. And I’ve talked others into doing the same.

Look at me now though. I have a less than 2.0 GPA and I’m going for a third year at a community college. I’m unemployed. I was just offered a job, but I turned it down. I turned it down even though I’m broke and I really rather need a job, because something seemed wrong with it. My girlfriend told me, “I hope you regret this. Maybe then you’ll learn your lesson.” My girlfriend, the girl who I think is the most beautiful in the world and who I love so much, wanted me to experience one of the worst feelings that anyone can feel. The question of whether or not I should take that job kept me up all night even though it was just a simple yes or no. I was weighing all the scenarios. What if a different place that I really wanted to work called me afterwards? And all these other what ifs.

“What if…” The current bane of me. It holds me back. And hurts those around me.